so THAT happened

I’ve been wanting to blast this news basically since the beginning. Announcing a pregnancy is touchy because of the unfortunate turns that might occur, but it’s frustrating because I have been “showing” for about 2 weeks already. Plus the sudden fatigue and nausea (and migraines) make me feel like a lazy weakling, and I wanted to explain myself!

Anyway, I want to share with you the insanity that has been going on within my brain – and outside of it.

First of all:

But I’ll get into that later.

Because this is a popular question – no, this wasn’t completely planned. Daniel and I had discussed possibly having a second child, but weren’t worried about a timeline for it. He and I were pretty content with our threesome. Even if Lila hugging on her life size Moana piñata may have unknowingly pressured me into thoughts of a sibling…

So things happened and I realized I was a few days late. Come April Fools Day I thought my body was playing tricks on me (har har), but alas, both pregnancy tests showed positive. It didn’t feel real. I took two more tests the following week – same result. I told my family and they were thrilled. I was a bit excited, but mostly just feeling unprepared.

Fast forward to our doctor visit and the ultrasound. The tech found the baby and we listened to the heart beat. Then she told me to lay still. Then she told me to hold my breath. I was scared, thinking maybe she found something out of place with the babe.

“Yep. There’s a second one.”

Daniel and I:

The first thing I said was, “But I’m such a small person…”

At the time, baby A was measuring up to speed, but baby B was about a week behind, size-wise. We were told there was a possibility baby B would be absorbed by baby A if it stopped growing. Things I imagined:

We were in complete shock. I didn’t even think to ask any of the important questions. I didn’t even know what those would be. Upon arrival to my appointment I was basically like, “This isn’t my first rodeo,” but by the time I left, everything was new. More appointments, more ultrasounds, more questions – for later apparently.

At the second appointment a couple weeks later, the babies were basically caught up to each other. I assumed baby B would be reabsorbed because I didn’t think there was any way we could have twins. Like…what?? This isn’t a dream?? My sister kept telling me to stop saying that, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. Everything is going to change.

Second popular question – the only twin in my family (that I am aware of) is my grandma on my dad’s side. Fraternal, I believe. None on Daniel’s side.

Before I get to the hard stuff – the cravings started really early. The first thing I absolutely needed was tuna. Popsicles, sandwiches, sushi – there have been many since. Mostly there are aversions, which I don’t recall having as much with Lila. It has drastically limited what I’ve been consuming. Hopefully the second trimester will help a bit. I also never had any nausea with Lila, but up until recently, I was nauseous every morning and then starving all day. Or I felt nauseous because I was so hungry! I started bringing large paper bags to work filled with meals and snacks just to keep the nausea at bay.

With Lila I had insane migraines, but with this pregnancy I’ve only had one really bad one, and a few almost migraines…granted they last for days at a time.

As for showing – at ten weeks I had to put a hairband around my jeans’ buttons because they were uncomfortable. I googled how early a second pregnancy with twins might show, and saw that many women were already in maternity bottoms by 9 weeks. So I caved and have been wearing leggings and baggy tops, or straight up maternity bottoms. The 11th week going into the 12th week was when it became difficult to hide my bump. Most of my “baggy” t-shirts became snug, and I started running out of non-cinched (aka non obvious) maternity attire. Also: boobs.

Okay, going into the heavy stuff. My hormones are going haywire, and my emotions are following suit. Most days are fine, but sometimes I need a moment in the storage room at work and just cry because I am overwhelmed. Or I will shed a few tears on my way to work thinking about things I won’t be able to do anymore, things I won’t have time for… Mornings are the worst in the emotions department, but really they come and go as they please. I’m not sharing this for pity, I’m sharing on the chance that someone can relate, give advice, or feel normal. This is different than when I was pregnant with Lila. Things were planned, prepared. This is a shock to the system. Over time I’ve become somewhat excited, but still mostly scared.

Scared because I’m going to have another c-section and be useless for a month, at least. With my blood pressure and iron issues, it’s enough to worry again, especially how it could effect the babies. Scared because three children on two teacher salaries makes me nervous. Scared because my cats will have to get along, and I really don’t want them to fight. Scared because I am so small and am afraid something will happen. Scared because sharing these feelings and thoughts might anger those who consider this situation nothing but a blessing. Things happen for a reason. I know that I will love these babies and love what my family becomes, and in no way am I wishing this were not the case. But the unknown is scary, change it hard, and this is a big one.

So please don’t be too hard on me. I’m just hoping that the transition into the second trimester will calm my crazies, and make me see clearly. Reading books about twin pregnancies has made me see that these feelings, thoughts, and emotions are completely normal. But for those that have never experienced them, please don’t judge too harshly.

The support we have received thus far has been amazing. Daniel is the best and his excitement and compassion has helped me through this “sudden” change. Lila is going to be the best big sister, and I know I am going to love my new life, even if I miss sleep and free time. I’ll look back on the hard years eventually. And it will all have been worth it.

So coming November 2019, whether we are ready or not, double Beckers. Oh, and they’re fraternal. ❤️❤️